Author Archives: Eric

Gayniggers From Outer Space

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Directed by: Morten Lindberg

Cast: Coco P. Dalbert, Sammy Saloman, Gerard F. Hail

Whoaa whoa whooaaa, first off; chill dudes. This movie is by no means homophobic or racist, hence the movie title. There’s no need to start ranting about the movie or get out on the streets and start looting in utter dismay. Let me please introduce you to this masterpiece.

I remember when I watched this movie for the first time. It was a few years ago, when the blokes from the luxembourgish band John McAsskill  offered me 2 DVDs with a panoply of different trash movies. Me and Luc watched Gayniggers from Outer Space at his place and Luc’s first reaction was: “Eric, if this movie is gayporn I am not willing to watch it any further.” I just replied: “I do not fucking care mate, I’ll watch it anyways!”

Gayniggers from Outer Space is a danish production dating from 1992 which satires blaxploitation, science-fiction and homophobia.

This black and white movie (oh the irony) begins with the tripulation of the spaceship Ringmusculaturus II travelling through space looking for new planets unknown to the Gay universe. The Gayniggers from planet Anus are Captain ArmInAss, Captain B.Dick, Sargeant Shaved Balls and german speaking Mr. Schwul.

When analyzing Earth with their special radars the Gayniggers find out that planet Earth is also populated by female creatures, something they cannot bear; so they decide to go on a crusade to eliminate all the females on Earth and liberate all men from female tyranny. In this, the movie also makes fun about different ethnical stereotypes in which for example Germany is best known for not liking black colored people. Yes, this movie can’t be any more ridiculous and amusing.

One could think that this movie is so wrong, racist, homophobic and whatsoever, but you HAVE to watch it, to notice that it is not meant to be offensive or to be taken seriously. And if you still think that this movie is offensive, notice that the movie was first shown at the Stockholm Gay Film festival in 2006.

I watched the movie before writing this review and it made my day, once again. I would rather prefer this flick as a milestone in homosexual acceptance and tolerance than a shitpile like Brokeback Mountain which couldn’t be anymore pretentious and cliché-overloaded.

So, if you don’t take yourself too seriously and you aren’t too much of a stuck up cunt, please give this piece of art a chance and some credit.

Conclusion: disturbing, but still enjoyable to watch.

Amores Perros

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Directed & produced by: Alejandro González Iñarritu

Starring: Emilio Echevarría, Gael García Bernal, Goya Toledo

Love is betrayal. Love is anguish. Love is sin. Love is selfishness. Love is hope. Love is pain. Love is death. What is love?

These are the first sentences on the cover of the Amores Perros DVD.

Amores Perros portrays the lifes and destinies of Octavio (Gael García Bernal), Daniel (Alvaro Guerrero) and El Chivo (Emilio Echevarría), whose futures will be tore off the rails by a tragic car accident in the middle of Mexico City.

There’s Octavio, a carefree youngster who lives in modest circumstances with his mother, his brother Ramiro and Susana, Ramiro’s girlfriend. The young couple share a troubled relationship with the worse matter that they have a baby. Poor as they are and with Susana still going to school, it’s Octavio who tries to convince Susana to leave Ramiro, as he is deeply in love with her and promises that he would be a good father and make good money to take care of both. All he wants is to leave town with Susana and start a new life. So he takes his dog Cofi, a rottweiler, to dog fights to get some cash to fulfill his dream.

Daniel is a successful businessman, married with 2 daughters. He’s cheating on his wife with supermodel Valeria who’s a superstar in Mexico and moves to her new flat with her little terrier Richie. Will Daniel find happiness in his new relationship with a new, younger woman? Or is this new kind of love just superficial, a consequence of Daniels midlife crisis and based on physical satiation?

And then there’s El Chivo, a homeless man who used to be a professor, but then decided to become a revolutionary and joins the guerillas. He lost touch with his family due to his new lifestyle, his daughter thinks he’s dead and his wife died recently. He is a part-time hitman who makes ends meet by killing people, always accompanied by his dogs. All he wants is to see his daughter and get in touch with her but he does not find the courage to do so because he’s ashamed of what he became.

3 protagonists who could not be any more different and even though they don’t know each other, their lives will drastically change after a tragic car accident involving 2 of them.

Amores Perros is a critical movie about love and all its circumstances; a suspicious and destructive piece of art. The protagonists trust their lifes to the people they love and will be disillusioned later on, although the dogs remain loyal to them; a nice analogy about love towards dogs and human beings.

It is most definitely not a movie for sensitive viewers and due to its playtime (148 minutes) not everyone’s cup of tea, as it has a lengthy narration with all its action happening in the last 30 minutes.

It’s the pessimistic point of view about love and the martyrdom that comes with it which makes this movie one of my all-time favourite flicks.

So, if you’ve been disappointed once in your life or if you are in a recent relationship you should check this movie to once again get aware that love is not only about happy times, rainbows and singing unicorns.
[youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A5HTBYR7m0o]
Conclusion: hard to digest but most definitely a must see.

Pro Evolution Soccer 2012

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Released: September 2011

Developer: Konami

Platforms: PC, PS3, Xbox 360, Wii, PSP, PS2, Nintendo 3DS, Nokia 3310

Tested: Xbox 360

It’s no big secret that I’m a big football fan. When it comes to my favourite team I even tend to become politically incorrect. And as a matter of fact I love playing football games.

Choosing the right football game is like choosing which party to vote when there’s a turd party and a clyster party. Long story short, between the FIFA and the PES franchise the only common denominator is that none of both are perfect football simulations; all having their pros and their cons.

Screenshot1

I chose PES over FIFA because, to me, the game had a more realistic approach to my football knowledge hence the inferior graphics and mo-cap. This years release features Active AI, this means your teammates have a better understanding for the game you play and for example defenders that support the winger on the “corridors”.

I always thought of FIFA of being a closed, scripted experience with big flaws in ball physics and AI but then, it’s THE game that’s got almost every league licensed and a better support on bug fixing and so on. On the other hand PES has a better tactics editor which makes FIFA look like a football game for babies.

The best PES release how so ever will still be PES 6 on the PS2, as it was a fast paced simulation of kick and rush with the overall feeling for a “everything is possible here” mentality. But then came the current gen consoles and that’s when Konami screw it completely. The next releases became all known for being bloated bug-ware, not to mention the completely debilitated AI and the stiffness in the players movements.

When I grabbed the demo on my Xbox for this years release I was pleasantly surprised. The controls improved a lot, with the players being more flexible and more responsive and the biggest improvement I’ve noticed directly was that each player tried to get the ball no matter how far or close the ball was, something that had to be fixed after PES 2011 where players didn’t even intervene when the ball rolled a few millimeters past their feet. Yes, that game sucked that much indeed.

But after my initial euphoria for PES 2012 came the great disillusionment. Konami did not succeed in releasing another milestone in football simulations.

At first I thought my controller was fucked but then I noticed what was going on with the game. When you’re playing with the 1st controller on the XBox your selected player is not WILLING to run for more than 10 meters without stopping for a short period of time. This means, if you’re doing a quick counter your striker will not run towards the goal with lightspeed, but stop every now and then with no apparent reason to do so! Just google for “PES 2012 XBox Stutter bug”.

One can say that this is a bug that will be fixed directly but the game’s been out for over a week and nothing has been done yet to fix it.

What’s the point of a developer team having a section for sports games with PES being the MAIN franchise they are working on full time when obviously there’s no one there to test the game on all platforms before releasing it? If for example Polyphony Digital had released Gran Turismo 5 with a bug that forces your car to push the breakes every 5-10 seconds the users would go apeshit on the internet and Polyphony had their name ruined for a long time.

Not so for Konami. Ever since the PES franchise moved towards current gen consoles the games were doomed to fail because of the huge amount of bugs that affect the overall gameplay experience, with the stutter bug being the tip of the iceberg.

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aJol2_4E7r4]

I could mention that PES 2012 features the Liga Portuguesa for the first time in its history, but when the only licensed teams are Porto, Benfica and Sporting; I really don’t think that this new feature is noteworthy.

For the non-existent German League you can choose between Bayern Munich and Bayer Leverkusen. Yeah…

And this is the next point that pisses me off! What’s the point in featuring a new league when 13 of 16 teams have fake names and logos? Why is there still no Bundesliga featured in PES? Considering the current financial situation in Portugal and the popularity and relevance of the portuguese league in the world of football I do ask myself if Konami did not have enough budget or arguments to license the portuguese league entirely. I’m pretty sure the portuguese federation asked millions and bazillions of euros for the license…

PES2012 had the potential to become a next PES6 for me, but demonstrated once again that Konami does not have enough knowledge and consistency to compete with EA Sports and their FIFA franchise.

I think that the US cover for PES 2012 resumes the skills from Konami. All hail Cristiano “Thalidomide” Ronaldo.

Conclusion: I can not say that I’m disappointed as that would be a compliment

Papa Wrestling

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There were times in my childhood I wished I had a dad who would kick some bully’s ass, specially during the first year of high school when I was a fresher.

So here’s the story of little Bruno who’s lunch box got stolen by a group of heartless bullies during a break in school. The poor bleeder starts whining and the bullies drag him to the next toilet and he gets a free shampooing.

Bruno runs back home and tells his father, who wears a superhero costume, what happened at school. Daddy can’t stand that at all, decides to solve the problem his way, faces the bullies at school and has a serious conversation with them.

middle

Papá Wrestling represents revenge in the goriest way possible. It’s the best example for the unbreakable bond between father and son with all the obstacles a man must overcome to protect his offspring from the evil outside world.

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xPZMmjRceqM]

This short movie was written and produced by a group of portuguese students called Clones, featuring Fernando Alle, Luís Henriques and Pedro Florêncio, Nuria Leon Bernardo and Tiago Augusto.

You should check their Youtube channel and watch their other shorts, Banana Motherfucker and Blarghaaahrgarg too.

I consider their 3 movies a must-see but I still like Papá Wrestling the most, mainly because of its unmistakable hints on portuguese humor as for the scene with the kid wearing the red Nike cap.

Conclusion: Well done sir!

A big shout out and thank you to my twitter follower @PitWenkin without whom I would never have discovered this gem. Thanks mate!

Super Meat Boy

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Title

Super Meat Boy

Published: October 2010

Developer: Team Meat

Platforms: PC (Steam), Xbox Live Arcade, Wii

There’s not much to say about Super Meat Boy that hasn’t been said before. Although it’s been out on the market for about a year I’ve been playing this game on Steam and on my Xbox lately and it never gets old.

This game is jump’n run madness in perfection and can be described as one of the most challenging platform games of its generation.

The game features Meat Boy, a cube-shaped piece of raw meat with no skin, who is deeply in love with his girlfriend Bandage Girl. They were living happily together until the villainous Dr. Fetus decided to kidnap Bandage Girl. Meat Boy decides to rescue his girl through 300 levels, avoiding all kinds of obstacles like traps, saw blades and crumbling blocks. After each level you get to see Bandage Girl, but evil Dr. Fetus escapes with her “to another castle”, like in Super Mario.

The gameplay is simply perfect.

First for its simplicity: 2 buttons for running and jumping

Second: For its perfection because the controls are fast and very responsive which is a crucial matter, given the perfect timing you need to avoid all the obstacles without dying a hundred times.

The levels are tricky and get harder from chapter to chapter, and you die thousands of times, which in another game would be incredibly frustrating, but not in Super Meat Boy.

Each level will take you 15-30 seconds to solve, and if you die, you reappear instantly at the beginning of the level, thanks to fast loading times. You will never lose patience for this game specially because each time you die you see the bloodmarks of Meat Boy on the floor and the replay of a solved level shows ALL your attempts. In other words, the replay shows you the whole bloodbath to glory.

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=snaionoxjos]

I recommend this game to all the aficionados of a fun jump’n run platformer with a subtle gory subnote. It is an insane experience and worth it’s money, as for now it costs 14 Euros on Steam.

Conclusion: Awesomefuckingmazing!!!

All hail Super Meat Boy