Tag Archives: Piratenmassaker

Gabelstapler-Klaus kehrt zurück – Jetzt muss der Chef fahren

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Whenever the name Jochen Taubert pops up on your screen, kill your TV, burn down your house and run away, don’t even think about saving your children and wife/husband. After I saw the first 30 minutes of Piratenmassaker months ago, I swore on the Bible that I would never ever watch a Taubert movie again but I lied and I hate myself for it.
How could this happen to me? Well, while doing some cinematographic research I thought that I had found the sequel to the amazing cult short movie: Staplerfahrer Klaus – Der erste Arbeitstag (2000). Then I read that this so-called sequel was directed by Taubert and before I even could get sceptical it was too late and the movie was running.

Before you walk into Taubert’s trap as I did, I want to WARN you: Gabelstapler-Klaus kehrt zurück – Jetzt muss der Chef fahren (2012) isn’t a sequel AT ALL. The director tries to fool you as he chose a title which can easily be interpreted as the logical successor of the classic original. This is a cheap trick which is usually used in the porn business but in the end Taubert won, I was naive and the joy over a second Staplerfahrer Klaus eliminated all kinds of further research and even reason.
This film is an absolute audaciousness and Jochen T. shows the whole world again that he is 100% talentless when it comes to movies. The story is basically about a company where all the forklift truck drivers, due to food poisoning, call in sick. The boss’ secretary calls the employment agency in order to claim compensation and the boss decides to show the new workers how to handle a forklift truck. Everything gets out of control.

Even though I have the presumption that Taubert has read at least one of Lloyd Kaufman‘s books namely Make Your Own Damn Movie!, he is beyond remedy. Let me explain. Kaufman says in his book that everybody can do a movie or even should do a movie regardless the budget. If you are thinking about working on no or low budget (as Taubert does) you should at least profit by the stuff you have or you can easily get access to. If your brother has an old car which he doesn’t use anymore, use it in your film and destroy it. If the mayor of your city decides to blow up an old factory or the elementary school in order to build luxurious apartments, go there and film it because even though your story has no blown-up school in it, it is great footage which you can easily put in the film and it is for free!

In the documentary Blood, Boobs and Beast Lloyd  claims that if you have nothing at all to work with but you still want people to watch your movie or to get it distributed, use handmade gore effects, blood and other body fluids, and last but not least use a lot of nudity (sex sells!!) and a monster. As I mentioned above, it seems that Jochen has read or at least has heard of these instructions because he tries to carry them out but is not even capable to implement these easy-to-follow steps. The self-made vomit, which should be used in order to make the viewer feel “mal à l’aise”, looks just lame, the blood looks like (or even is) Ketchup and the “nudity” is reduced to boob pawing and girls in mini skirts. I am absolutely not motivated to write about Taubert’s cinematographic skills or the overplaying of the actors, everything can be read in my review of Piratenmassaker, because nothing has changed, everything stays the same with Gabelstapler-Klaus kehrt zurück – Jetzt muss der Chef fahren. I watched the movie on youtube and the best part of it was at minute 8 when youtube decided to give me a break and brought in a commercial. DO NOT WATCH THIS PIECE OF CRAP!

-Luc-

Piratenmassaker

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A week ago, Eric borrowed me his original Red Edition DVD of Jochen Taubert’s Piratenmassaker. I have absolutely no idea how he managed to get his hands on this piece of shit. Piratenmassaker is the first movie ever which I turned off after half an hour because I feel personal defense. It is an impudence calling this talent-free, no-budget crap a movie. You may say now that I only have seen 30 minutes of it and that the movie may evolves with time passing by. Well I try to describe what my cancer infected eyes have seen.

First of all the layout of the DVD itself looks like a Photoshop rape. The Intro is that bad that I really was motivated to turn the film off after a few seconds. But hey, (an intro of) a DVD doesn’t reveal anything about a movie. Well in this case it does.

Being filmed with the family camcorder and post-produced with Windows Movie Maker make this flick something really special. Especially the great artistic fading-outs in the beginning are out of this world and nearly forced me into drowning little puppies in order to calm down. The incoherent and confusing story (some pirates get chased by a monk and his army of cannibals), the absence of a plot, the “brilliant” insertion of private holiday video sequences, tons of movie mistakes and the use of the last visit at the local Aquarium (in order to simulate an underwater filming sequence!!!!!) elevate this movie to a completely new level of bullshit.

I don’t want to be a know it all but Taubert must have lost all his marbles but at least he toes the line and the unaesthetic camera work, the miserable editing, the sound and the “special effects” complete the gruesome quality of Piratenmassaker. No boom mic was used which isn’t very beneficial when you film with granny’s pre-war cam. The “effects” are the worst I have ever seen and Traubert even re-uses different shots repeatedly which, for me, is a cinematic faux-pas. It seems that the movie budget was that small that even the actors, if you can call them like that, have to share their outfits. The splatter effects are bloody insane and mainly consist in a guy squirting fake blood with an injection from behind the camera. After a few amateurish blood squirts Taubert and his untalented crew even ran out of blood or they simply forgot to use it!

The people who are trying to act can be divided in two categories. There are a few ones who are completely overacting and other ones who have the capability of expression of a stone. But both groups have something in common, they play with an awkward reluctance and are most of the time not even able to recite two simple sentences in a row.

To conclude I’d like to say that I have no problems with no-budget movies, but I have a problem with people taking others for a fool and this for 80 minutes. As I already said, I didn’t finish the movie but what I have seen in 30 minutes suffices to give me a post-traumatic amateur movie syndrome. I built up a completely new definition of useless junk. Just don’t watch it!