Tag Archives: trash

Kondom des Grauens (Killer Condom)

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Beware of carnivorous condoms in New York! The ravenous little bastards feed off of male genitalia and no one knows what their deal is. The first known case takes us back to the Quicky hotel, where a corrupt teacher took his student to let her “work” her way up to better grades and eventually ended up with a mutilated penis. Unfortunately, what started as an only moderately regrettable hit of karma quickly spiralled way out of control.

Enter Luigi Mackeroni, the hero, the cop investigating the case. He is a chain-smoking badass with Sicilian roots who happens to be gay and has his trans ex-lover call him “Lutschi” whenever she pops up. Like everyone else, he initially thinks that the girl bit off the teacher’s penis, but is proven wrong when he witnesses a schlong-devouring wrapper in action at the notorious hotel. He then proceeds to take us on a hilariously bizarre journey that leads to the origin of the killer condoms.

Kondom des Grauens is the first Troma-distributed film (based on an equally screwed up cartoon by Ralf König) I’ve seen, and I loved it. Ridiculousness and excess are defining characteristics of the trash genre, and this jewel sure delivers. Just from the title and above summary you should be able to tell that taking it too seriously won’t allow you to enjoy the viewing experience.

But while you do have your cheesy one-liners, overblown characters and primitive sexual jokes, Kondom des Grauens also carries a very real message. It’s depressingly rare to see an openly homosexual lead in any film, and even rarer to have one as un-stereotypically gay as Mackeroni. Conservative views and general bigotry are challenged throughout the whole flick and especially in a big moment toward the end.

A special mention goes to the cast. Trash works are often ridiculed for the bad acting performances, and this might be the case for Kondom des Grauens on a technical level, but holy Mackeroni (sic), are these people charming. It actually reminded me that good characters are an indispensable foundation for a good trash/comedy film. Also, some of you Germans and Luxembourgers might spot one or two familiar faces. (Spoiler alert: look out for Hella von Sinnen and Iris Berben!)

So I was mightily amused and occasionally touched, which means that the movie fulfilled its purpose in my eyes. I’m sure it’s not without fault, but I was too entertained to pay attention, and that’s the way it should be.

Miami Connection

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Last week I finally found some time to watch a movie and while I was thinking about what to watch I came across the Miami Connection trailer. I loved it and still do. There is a 80s rock band (with a pretty front woman) playing, there are motorcycle ninjas, gang fights, there is fire, cocaine and even some gore. You can’t go wrong with that, right? Well, you can. As much as I love the trailer and the fantastic movie poster, the movie is absolutely disastrous in its entirety.

Miami Connection (1987) is an indie martial arts film which was ignored and basically remained unseen for years, until Drafthouse Films decided to restore the movie in 2012 in order to give it a release.

Writer, producer and co-director Y.K. Kim, who is a taekwondo martial artist, clearly had no idea what he was doing and neither did the rest of his team. Film director Richard Park discovered Y.K. Kim when he was on a Korean talk show to promote a book about taekwondo. Park thought it was a good idea to convince a man who had no previous experience in the field to bring to life one of his storylines, and that’s how Miami Connection was born.

So, as I said, it’s painfully obvious that Y.K. Kim has no cinematographic knowledge or skill at all. The story is confusing as is (“A martial arts rock band goes up against a band of motorcycle ninjas who have tightened their grip on Florida’s narcotics trade“???), but on top of that, there are too many superfluous subplots which don’t add anything to the movie. The chronological order of the scenes is all over the place, there is no structure behind it. The whole movie is like a trailer: it doesn’t want to reveal too much about the actual plot, which is obviously suboptimal for a feature length film.

All in all, what I took away from this viewing experience was, once again, that the term “cult film” can be misleading. Many people don’t understand that even trash films can be inspirational and worthy of respect. Miami Connection, however, does not fit the bill.

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VpZu69OB2KM]

Trash Monday XCIII

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There’s a fool here at El Gore who once thought these guys would become the new ABBA or something alike. He couldn’t have been more wrong, could he?
[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e3oknt9K3BM]

Trash Monday LXXXVIII

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Don’t we all miss these talented boybands, nowadays? Isn’t this ART, compared to the likes of One Direction, Miley Cyrus and the whole Beliebers movement? Decide for yourselves!
[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sJTBTX8H-9g]

Trash Monday LXXVIII

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Ever wondered why no Portuguese woman ever won the “Miss World” award? May these mofos singing about the Portuguese beauty be your answer!
[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_detailpage&v=UigKZt7FtoQ]

The Stuff

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Finally I got my hands on this classic satirical horror film from 1985 and I have to tell you that I quite liked it. First because it is entertaining and ambitious and secondly because of its social criticism. A lot of B-Movies are ridiculed by reviewers because the financial restrictions, the bad acting and the hilarious and most of the time exaggerated plots tend to result in cheesy and trashy outcomes. If you examine The Stuff on a cursory level, this may be true, but it still works.

The premise of the film is built on a white, ice-cream like, gooey substance marketed as having no calories but being sweet and saturating, which soon becomes a nationwide moneymaker. David “Mo” Rutherford is hired by some worried ice-cream industry and fast-food moguls who see their business at risk in order to find out what secret hides behind this anti calorie bomb. While the story evolves, “Mo” teams-up with Jason, a boy who has witnessed how The Stuff has affected his family and Nicole, the advertising executive of the product. Together they, with a few rather weird people, try to relieve America from the addictive dessert.

For a “trash” horror flick from the 80s, the “special effects” are above average and director Larry Cohen even managed to shoot one scene in the popular Nightmare On Elm Street rotating room:

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uokeVw6ldDI]

On the one hand, the rather professional look and approach of the film have been achieved inter alia through the estimated 1,7 million dollar budget. On the other hand there is always some kind of unprofessional attitude leaking out which results in a lot of highly visible and typical b-movie “mistakes”, like the really bad editing. At first I was not sure if I borrowed a cut version of the film but after I checked this out I came to the conclusion that the editor simply must have been high all the time because some of his work simply doesn’t make any sense at all.

As mentioned before, The Stuff tackles a rather interesting subject. It caricatures the western (fast) food culture, the blind and excessive consumerism (of unhealthy food) and the importance of marketing strategies in order to sell the crap. The Stuff highlights that we live in a simple minded consumer society in which the customers have become zombies complying with the media-dictated beliefs, values and norms without questioning anything. And above us all there are the big food conglomerates who pull the strings and do whatever they want. To conclude, you can see The Stuff as a nice little horror movie with a lot of charm or you can see it as a critique towards nutrition in modern societies which are heavily marked by pseudo-individuality and TV commercials. Give this one a try!

Gabelstapler-Klaus kehrt zurück – Jetzt muss der Chef fahren

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Whenever the name Jochen Taubert pops up on your screen, kill your TV, burn down your house and run away, don’t even think about saving your children and wife/husband. After I saw the first 30 minutes of Piratenmassaker months ago, I swore on the Bible that I would never ever watch a Taubert movie again but I lied and I hate myself for it.
How could this happen to me? Well, while doing some cinematographic research I thought that I had found the sequel to the amazing cult short movie: Staplerfahrer Klaus – Der erste Arbeitstag (2000). Then I read that this so-called sequel was directed by Taubert and before I even could get sceptical it was too late and the movie was running.

Before you walk into Taubert’s trap as I did, I want to WARN you: Gabelstapler-Klaus kehrt zurück – Jetzt muss der Chef fahren (2012) isn’t a sequel AT ALL. The director tries to fool you as he chose a title which can easily be interpreted as the logical successor of the classic original. This is a cheap trick which is usually used in the porn business but in the end Taubert won, I was naive and the joy over a second Staplerfahrer Klaus eliminated all kinds of further research and even reason.
This film is an absolute audaciousness and Jochen T. shows the whole world again that he is 100% talentless when it comes to movies. The story is basically about a company where all the forklift truck drivers, due to food poisoning, call in sick. The boss’ secretary calls the employment agency in order to claim compensation and the boss decides to show the new workers how to handle a forklift truck. Everything gets out of control.

Even though I have the presumption that Taubert has read at least one of Lloyd Kaufman‘s books namely Make Your Own Damn Movie!, he is beyond remedy. Let me explain. Kaufman says in his book that everybody can do a movie or even should do a movie regardless the budget. If you are thinking about working on no or low budget (as Taubert does) you should at least profit by the stuff you have or you can easily get access to. If your brother has an old car which he doesn’t use anymore, use it in your film and destroy it. If the mayor of your city decides to blow up an old factory or the elementary school in order to build luxurious apartments, go there and film it because even though your story has no blown-up school in it, it is great footage which you can easily put in the film and it is for free!

In the documentary Blood, Boobs and Beast Lloyd  claims that if you have nothing at all to work with but you still want people to watch your movie or to get it distributed, use handmade gore effects, blood and other body fluids, and last but not least use a lot of nudity (sex sells!!) and a monster. As I mentioned above, it seems that Jochen has read or at least has heard of these instructions because he tries to carry them out but is not even capable to implement these easy-to-follow steps. The self-made vomit, which should be used in order to make the viewer feel “mal à l’aise”, looks just lame, the blood looks like (or even is) Ketchup and the “nudity” is reduced to boob pawing and girls in mini skirts. I am absolutely not motivated to write about Taubert’s cinematographic skills or the overplaying of the actors, everything can be read in my review of Piratenmassaker, because nothing has changed, everything stays the same with Gabelstapler-Klaus kehrt zurück – Jetzt muss der Chef fahren. I watched the movie on youtube and the best part of it was at minute 8 when youtube decided to give me a break and brought in a commercial. DO NOT WATCH THIS PIECE OF CRAP!


Trash Monday LXIII

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Quit your job, get yourself a camera and become the next BIG video producer. You’ll get the dough and the bitches, just like Ancient Rome did! Still better than selling Viagra online, I promise!
[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7SDvvA77G6Q]

Microwave Massacre

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In the whole trash horror movie scene it was at one point very popular to label the movies with quotes like: the worst movie ever done, so bad that it is good , the worst horror movie you have ever seen and stuff like that in order to hope that the flick gets a cult following (c.f. Troll 2, Troma stuff). It is the same as nowadays people lable their movies with Tarantino’s favourite movie, Tarantino farted during the intro or Tarantino ate a burrito with his best friend when this movie premiered 1000 miles away. The Tarantino just as the „worst movie“ slogans have something in common, they are simply meaningless and often a lie.

Microwave Massacre (1983) is one of those movies where marketing people try or tried to merchandise and promote it with a worst horror movie of all time slogan. In this case it is inappropriate because most of the time the movie is simply not “that” bad that it is really good or funny again, except for the really genius beginning. The writers tried hard, especially with the dialogues but in the end, I think this is the problem, they tried too hard. Even for 1983 most of the dialogues are simply bromidic and often consist of pseudo trashy one-liners (some of them can be read here)  (I still have to admit that I smirked 2 or 3 times but this is simply not enough). Microwave Massacre is again one of the movies where you simply expect a little more just because of the title.

What else can you expect from the movie? Well, the actors are as talented as a paraplegic doing ballet, there are a lot of hookers and logically nudity and even more fake, plastic body parts accompanied with an incredible cheesy synth soundtrack and really awful props, loosely based on the formula of one wise man: “In order to sell your B-Movie, you have to include blood, boobs and a beast”. In the end, just imagine a bad cannibal B-Movie that lives up to nearly every single superficial cliché you know and concentrates on a man killing/eating his wife, then switches over to hookers and prepares the meat in his microwave.

To conclude, let’s say that Microwave Massacre isn’t a must see but rather an amusing can-be seen which, I personally think, you should watch with a few male (!) firends, lots of beer and pizza. Finally, as so often, do not forget to put your brain on standby and the flick may work. If you are a fan of trash give it a try.