Make Your Own Damn Movie!: Secrets of a Renegade Director


I am going to start this book review with a quote I read on Amazon.com. Boaz wrote: “You don’t have to be prude to be fully offended by this piece of trash! The author apparently does not pocess enough English language prowess to write any one paragraph without lacing it with EXTREMELY rank, foul an profane language.”

It probably was Boaz’s first time he ever got in touch with Uncle Lloydie and Troma Entertainment, a so-called independent film production and distribution company, cause he has no clue what Lloyd is talking about. Make Your Own Damn Movie!: Secrets of a Renegade Director is an incredibly humorous and inspiring book of personal real-life experiences, innovative ideas, autodidactic theories and subjective views.

The book is written by Kaufman himself with Adam Jahnke and Trent Haaga (ohh, I just read that he wrote Deadgirl. Damn that movie sucked, sry dude!) trying to help the old man arranging his weird thoughts. This often works out quite well but from time to time they also disagree on each others opinions. Check out the hilarious kindergarten battle between celluLloyd and “DV” Haaga from page 225-231.

Furthermore it was Trey Parker (yup kiddies, the South Park dude) who wrote the foreword and James Gunn (screenplay writer for the actual quite amazing Dawn Of The dead “remake”) who did the introduction and other “klugscheisser” stuff. But wait…James, what the fuck were you thinking about helping to ruin one of my favorite childhood cartoons. TWICE!

Well back to topic. I have to admit that I have never read All I Need To Know About Filmmaking I Learned From The Toxic Avenger, and that’s why I can’t write about this book being a good follow-up or not. Lloyd if you read this review, send me a copy!

One thing is clear, Kaufman doesn’t care about pseudo arty farty descriptions of overrated film techniques and swanking about how much money he makes by doing the 1000th shitty remake of The Ring. Always being authentic, Lloyd created some kind of an comical crash course in which he covers every single aspect of film-making. With his great talent as a story-teller and necessary honesty Kaufman goes from the initial idea of making a movie to the important money raising aspect. From hiring the slaves and hookers….ehrm the crew members to the pre-production. From the underrated location scouting to the production itself. In the last chapters he concentrates on special effects, the importance of post-production, just as the marketing, publicity and the distribution aspect.

Lloydie doesn’t deny that as an independent no-budget filmmaker you are surrounded by big white sharks like Disney, Mirmax and co. who always try to rend you like a gay dolphin (hopefully Dolphin Man is not getting angry at me). But he also makes clear that “Impossible is Nothing”.

If you think that you are limited in doing a movie it is because you seem to be limited in your own creativity and your will. When you decide to do a head-crush scene, buy a watermelon or a kiwi (it depends!), cave it and fill the fruit with blood and some slimy stuff. Put a wig on it and let your car roll over it. Et voilà c’est tout. If you have a vision, it’s the all-out commitment and dedication you want to invest, and that’s what counts, not the money and especially no fucked-up CGI, 3D, whatever bullshit (Robert Rodriguez managed to make the cult flick El Mariachi with only a few thousand dollars).

Kaufman also gives useful advices on how to deal with pseudo actors in the movie business; to whom you should be quite honest and loyal and who you can take to the cleaners. But always remember that in the end it is your responsibility with the movie standing or falling. What I really liked about the book are Kaufman’s great advices on how to make awesome special effects without throwing your money out the window. This little excursion is called Troma’s E-Z Bake Special Effects Recipes For Boys And Girls. He explains amongst others how to make “realistic” fake blood, fake vomit, fake semen, a crushed head and most important a severed penis and how to put a chicken in the ass. All this stuff is very important when you decided to do an independent flick.

While reading the book you sooner or later realize that Lloyd (unconsciously?) describes himself as(s) a sadistic slave-driver but a visionary and respecting one, which is probably the one and only answer on how this sick bastard and his whorehouse Troma could survive for nearly 4 decades in this perverse business.

P.s. whose fucker’s idea was it to put these white on black (!!!) pages into the book? I nearly got eye-cancer from reading this stuff.

Trash Monday III


Siiiigh… World Cup ’94 in the United States of America… so many memories of that huge and glorious event. I was in primary school back then and can perfectly remember how Italy lost their first group match against football giants Ireland or how could one forget; Roberto Baggio’s amazing penalty kick in the final game, against Brazil.

What I did not know back then was that Germany, apart from losing against Bulgaria in the quarter-finals, had support from overseas to pave their way to success.

In vain…

Dear DFB, I really really really like your football and I hope you’ll make it to the finals this year. But please; I beg you; do never collaborate with Village People again!

Thank you!
[youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wd_pCMGrAVE]

Intouchables

 

Starring: François Cluzet, Omar Sy and Anne Le Ny

Directed by: Eric Toledano

Intouchables (or Untouchable, in English) was a very pleasant surprise to me for 2012. Considering that I’m not that much into french movies and that Intouchables is on the run to become the most successful movie in France, leaving La Grande Vadrouille (with legendary Louis de Funés) and Bienvenu chez les ‘Chtis (starring french superstar actor Cad Merad) behind, I must say that this flick deserves this award and that I’m extremely happy about it.

But what’s this movie about?

It’s about a quadriplegic aristocrat named Philippe who was injured in a paragliding accident and eventually engages Driss, a young african from the ghetto, as his caretaker. This “combination” might sound perplexed at first, but it’s the very essence of this great movie. I have rarely seen such a “piece of art” that has so much heart and transmits so much hope and warmth to the viewer.

The combination of rich and depressed Philippe (or should I say frustrated, which sounds harsh considering his physical condition) and open-hearted extroverted Driss couldn’t be any more frontal. It’s Beethoven, Wagner and Brahms meeting Kool & The Gang. And yet the constellation works perfectly. After a short practical training at Francois palace (yes, one can say palace, it’s a big ass crib!) both become inseparable mates. Francois teaches Driss how to behave and introduce himself correctly in front of high society; how to look at art and how to interpret abstract artworks. He even manages to motivate Driss to become a painter.

And Driss , for his part, gives Francois his long lost self-confidence back; showing him the joys of life one can have, even with a severe disability. From introducing Francois into smoking marihuana to better withstand his phantom pain; to exotic ear-massages by high-class hookers or how to educate his rebelling daughter the right way, this unconventional life-affirming assistant is the right resource to make Francois feel alive and worth again.

The experience throughout the whole movie is like a big emotional rollercoaster joyride. That’s exactly the strong point of this flick. Being a paraplegic; with absolutely no autonomy is the biggest “punishment” and burden one can bear. But with “Intouchables”, you’ll realize once more that nothing is impossible; independently of the barriers you have to take upon you. When you have the right framework around you, like Francois has; with Driss on his side, you’ll never forget what you’re worth and worthy, no matter what obstacles you’ll have to confront.

Because after all, what matters, is the individual and the dignity that is in each one of us; no matter what one looks like or what obstacles one’s got to overcome.

Honestly, never could a movie bring all this aspects on point as Intouchables did.

There are a few things I did not like that much. For example, making a running gag of manual disimpaction is not really that funny, not for the patient nor for the caretaker, and yes; I do know what I’m talking about.

Furthermore I do ask myself how Francois could keep his balance when sitting inside his Maseratti as he could not move his limbs at all; eventhough Driss’ argument that only horses or cattle are transported in the back of a transporter sounds like a valid argument to me. But I guess that I’m splitting hairs right now, as both aforementioned points did not disturb the overall visual experience at all.

Intouchables left me very positively impressed and I have to say that it already is one of my all time favorites. Most definitely a must watch!

Trash Monday II


This video is, in every single way, absolutely perfect! From the guitars to the hair, from the music to the quality of the video. Although I know this song for quite some years now, I am still speechles.

“Enjoyyyyyyyyy” -Jürgen Klopp-
[youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-lrWZuRn08I]

Tōkyō Zankoku Keisatsu a.k.a. Tokyo Gore Police

After the very disappointing JOSHIKYÔEI HANRANGUN, I decided to re-watch the one and only Tokyo Gore Police for the 5th time now. This movie is exactly what I am talking about.

First some facts, so that you can imagine a little bit what this Japanese splatter is about. After having done the special effects for Noboru Iguchi’s The Machine Girl, Yoshihiro Nishimura was asked to do another movie. He eventually decided to do a remake of his own independent flick Anatomia Extinction, which he then called Tokyo Gore Police. Taku Sakagushi, who has already worked together with Nishimura on the great Meatball Machine, took the role as the choreographer.  Furthermore Noboru Iguchi, who is also responsible for Adult Movies like Veterinary Pet Beauty Big Bust W Cast Teacher and Beautiful Girl on The Toilet 2 – Secret Excrement, created together with Yūdai Yamaguchi (Battlefield Baseball, Meatball Machine) the great propaganda television spots, which from time to time appear in the movie. And then there is Eihi Shiina. Yup, you are right, it is Asami “Kiri kiri kiri kiri kiri” Yamazaki from Takashi Miike‘s masterpiece Audition.

If you are a bit confused right know, I recommend to not watch the movie. If you know all these different people and movies mentioned above, you probaly also know Tokyo Gore Police. If you have no clue what I am writing about but think that the whole stuff sounds quite interesting, grab a beer and lean back.

It takes Yoshihiro Nishimura exactly 1:32 minutes before the first head is blown off, which is a clear statement and resumes the whole movie in a pretty damn good way. The story takes place in future Japan, which seems to perish in violence. But before the country is completely lost, the decision to establish a private police unit called Tokyo Gore Police is made. The head of the TGP unit is the sexy but a bit traumatized Ruka, who especially takes care of the zombiesque, mutated Engineers. As the story goes on and the blood is squirting, Ruka is detecting a complot in which she is involved personally… 

Tokyo Gore Police is build on a triangular relationship with different weight on each balance point. First of all and not deniable, the movie is pure trash, composed of blood, guts and excessive “comic” violence. Arterial sprayings, a croco-mermaid, a breathing chair with a drip and a flower-penis ejaculating into a group of bondage guys and other freaks. All this stuff and even much more doesn’t only show how insane Yoshihiro Nishimura is but also his love for details, fantasy and creativity. I have rarely seen such a good penis immitation than in Tokyo Gore Police.

Furthermore there are, from time to time, some genius and really artistic pictures poking out the pile of rubbish. The screenshot below (even the whole scene) isn’t only about a girl cutting off some pervert’s hands. The guy leaning back and looking into heaven while Ruka is walking away, using an umbrella to protect herself from the blood, is absolutely amazing. The image of the umbrella changing from an executive weapon to a protection (as it is supposed to be) is maybe an old one (even if often shown the other way round), but has never been realized in such a brilliant way as in Tokyo Gore Police. This is just one example of the artistic imagery which occurs in the movie.

Finally, like in a lot of Japanese movies, you can also detect here something like social criticism. The extended black humor and graphic violence in some way picturizes social problems like the vicious circle of criminality, police violence and corruption. Self-mutilation, suicide and the “why?” are further dominant subjects.

All in all Tokyo Gore Police is a fucking grotesque and bizarre gorefest, with extreme and perverse black humor (the Wrist Cutter G and the torture Wii parody commercials are brilliant stuff) and sick cyberpunk elements. A lot of reviewers claim that the background imagery is lousy and that the characters are too weak. I think that the “poor” background setup (if you can call it that way) perfectly fits and reflects the dark and cold atmosphere of the movie (even though this atmosphere is sometimes interrupted by colorful sickness). As for the characters, I think that just because they aren’t perfect it is possible to build up this triangular relationship I described above. And yeah, don’t fuck with Eihi Shiina, she’s near perfection! To conclude, there are many reviews out there which refer to Robocop while wrtiting about Tokyo Gore Police. I have to admit that I have no clue why because I have seen Robocop only once when I was 5 or 6 and can’t remember a single bit of the movie. But I don’t give a fuck about this Hobocop, watch TGP and have fun!



Trash Monday I


Howdy!

Welcome to our new category on El Gore: Trash Monday! From now on we’re gonna search the deepest and darkest corners of the internet to present you the most breathtaking and important musical creations in human history.

We know that everyone loves Mondays, so let us try to put a little smile on your faces every week.

Enjoy!
[youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gxuP4g0NvYs]
I forgive you Bruce, I mean you saved the world more than once, but please, don’t do this ever again!

Announcement

Dear Gores and Gorettes,

due to organisational reasons and in order to make our blog more sorted, we’d like to let you know that from now on you will find one of our very attractive and well researched reviews every Wednesday.

Furthermore we are preparing a little surprise category for the Mondays. In addition, or rather as usual,  stay tuned for all kind of random stuff as soon as we find something that we consider being interesting.

Thank you all for following!

JOSHIKYÔEI HANRANGUN a.k.a. Attack Girls’ Swimteam Vs. The Undead

This flick is the perfect example of how you get my attention. Chose a witty title, put in some lesbian asian girls fighting “zombies” and tag it as japanese softporn gore. But Attack Girls’ Swimteam Vs. The Undead really disappointed me. It’s really weak, neither fish nor fowl, with no attention to detail and a fucking lame story.

Also there are only a few (cheap) splatter effects but even they really got on my nerves. I don’t care if you can’t afford paying professional special effect artists but at least try your best by creating real, handmade and non-computer ones. If you are doing a B-Movie flick, handmade special effects, no matter how bad they are, always look better and more authentic than using pseudo professional hollywoodish digital bullshit. Do them with love, energy and enthusiasm, fuck technology and uninspired, pretended Independence. Lack of money can be compensated by visionary dedication for the art/movie. This movie clearly failed in doing so!

Boring as fuck, this campy j-sploitation flick was clearly made for the japanese school-girl rape, fetish scene. But what is the intension of hiring 2 porn stars as main characters but not doing a porn movie? It isn’t because of their brilliant acting talent, that’s for sure.

There is nothing much to say apart from: “don’t watch it”. Save your time in either checking out a good porn flick with Sasha Grey or the ingenious sick japanese stuff like Tokyo Gore Police, The Machine Girl or Meatball Machine.