Teeth

We’ve decided to do something fun for the whole family: a quadruple movie review. Therefor we chose a movie that none of us really knew but which seemed interesting enough to get a reaction out of everyone.

Teeth (2007) is a horror film which was written and directed by Mitchell Lichtenstein. It premiered at Sundance in 2007 where it was claimed to be one of the most talked-about films. To sum up, Teeth is about Dawn, a high school student, who suffers from a primary sexual characteristics abnormality, which she learns to use as an advantage when she becomes the victim of sexual assault.

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Rotten Tomatoes describes Teeth as follows: Smart, original, and horrifically funny, Teeth puts a fresh feminist spin on horror movie tropes.

To be straightforward with you, I didn’t like the film at all. The pacing is incredibly boring and stands in no relation to the trashy subject itself. The humour is just miserable. Horror? Sorry but if you see any, you also call Forest Gump a soft porn movie. Two or three bitten off penises and fingers are just not enough. It seems that director Mitchell Lichtenstein has never heard of “creating an atmosphere”.

Furthermore, I have no idea what Lichtenstein wants to tell me. Teeth has absolutely no clear vision. There are simply too many different topics/genre elements in the movie which, to top it all, don’t work. The subject of feminism, which is the most obvious one, can be taken as serious as the subject of sexism in slasher/horror movies. The boys/men are portrayed as primitive sex demoniacs and act completely unnatural.

Furthermore I am pretty certain that the director was unsure about how to explain the vagina dentata phenomenon. On the one hand he throws in a few mythical elements (and I even was expecting some Sigmund Freud too), on the other hand we see this nuclear power plant all the time (nuclear mutation of the vagina?) The ending is representative for the whole flick. Lichtenstein tries to build up a twist ending (which you recognize pretty early), rethinks his decision and follows the path of a rape and revenge movie. Teeth bases on a great idea, wants too much and results in a mess.

-Luc-

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When we first talked about which movie to pick I was intrigued by this one, because quite frankly: the plot outline had a lot of potential. A young girl has teeth in her vagina and becomes a man-eater… literally. Man, was I wrong! I don’t watch a lot of films of this genre, so I had no idea how bad a movie can be. All I know is that at times I wish I was the one who was subjected to penectomy, because that would probably have been less painful to endure than these ninety minutes of garbage.

The acting was pretty terrible from start to finish, the cut-off penises looked as credible as a pink elephant’s trunk and the music left my ears with a bad case of aural diarrhea. My personal “highlight” was Dawn‘s incestuous brother who was supposed to be the tough metalhead with terribly-done make-up tattoos and a Rottweiler as his best friend. The one thing that this movie has taught me is that people who don’t masturbate on a regular basis will go completely bat-shit-crazy at some point. So in order to keep mentally healthy, choke that chicken (or rub that duck) as often you possibly can.

~Yannick~

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A good lesson this movie taught me: any movie with a laurel shrub on the poster is no guarantor for a masterpiece. As Teeth tries to caricature America’s prude position on sexuality, with organisations like The Ring Thing, Teeth is nothing but a disappointing attempt to mimic this oddball attitude of (mostly) young Christians. What is really frustrating is the fact that Teeth is too good to be called trashy and too bad to be considered a serious flick. It’s neither dick nor beaver, hence the intimidating teeth. The plot twist, if you can call it so, is as predictable as North Korea’s annual declarations of war and the step-brother’s tattoos are as true as Christian black metal.

I am not a nucular expert, but only because the family lives next to a nuclear plant does not mean that you turn into some kind of penis-eating gargoyle; unless I’m missing out the latest news of Fukushima.

Two things are for sure though: some roles will stick to the actor for a whole lifetime and in this case, Jess Weixler will forever be known as the girl with the toothed gash. And last but not least; I will never ever say “I’ll chop my fingers off for that girl” again.

Eric

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I went into the film with an open mind because it has undeniable potential. I recognise that it tries to tackle important social issues — most notably, it criticises the puritanical (and, it must be said, characteristically American) attitudes kids are taught in sex ed that end up causing more harm than good. Dawn‘s biology textbook depicts the anatomy of the penis, but the schematic illustration of the vagina is covered up by a large sticker because “girls have a natural modesty”, and so Dawn walks about the earth not really knowing what the female sex organ typically looks like and how it works. Both Dawn and her crush at the beginning of the film have made a sacred vow of abstinence because of their Christian indoctrination. The guy ends up attempting and semi-succeeding at raping Dawn because he is a violently horny bundle of sexual repression after, and this is a direct quote, not having jerked off since Easter.

Those are fair criticisms, but unfortunately, the execution leaves a lot to be desired. The acting is cheesy and the storyline erratic. In combination with technical slip-ups like overstated sound effects, it gives the movie a cheap, silly vibe. Furthermore, as Luc said, I’m not sure what the aim of this movie is. Is it trying to make a point about sexual violence, sexual repression, the sexual behaviour of teenagers, incest or female empowerment? Probably all of these, but it doesn’t work. I couldn’t detect the comedy in it, either. And so it ends up being just another vacuous, ill-executed pseudo-thriller with a few gore shots thrown in on the side in an attempt to make it marketable to the horror crowd.

~ Anna ~

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To be honest with you, at first we didn’t think we’d all be agreeing but Teeth, despite its great potential, sucks dick (pun intended). Don’t waste your time and forget this movie…

LIGHTS – Siberia Acoustic

Today I want to explore a very different aspect of my musical spectrum…and I want to take you on a journey to Siberia. More precisely Siberia Acoustic, which is the second of its kind by Canadian artist LIGHTS. As with her first synthpop album The Listening, where she released a five track EP simply called Acoustic a few months later, she does it again this time around with her second electronic album Siberia. The acoustic version of it features ten tracks (of the original fifteen) which are all performed by guitars, pianos and string instruments (cello I believe).

It certainly isn’t everyone’s cup of tea but the whole thing has such a dreamy atmosphere that I immediately fell in love with the vibe of it. It’s just something you can either listen to on the side without paying much attention to it and still be pleasantly entertained, or you can actually pay attention to the brilliant instrumentation and enjoy it even more. Especially if you know the original songs, you will appreciate it even more, trust me.

One thing that no one can deny however is that the girl can sing! While I like her slightly auto-tuned vocals on the “regular” albums, because they add to the feel, I much prefer her untouched vocals. But apparently her own voice wasn’t enough, so she recruited help from three artists: Owl City on Cactus In The Valley, Max Kerman on Siberia and last but not least Coeur de Pirate on Peace Sign. I for one wasn’t convinced at all by the guest vocalists on my first listen-through…but I slowly warmed up to them and now I actually like them a lot, especially the latter.

LIGHTS is one of the few pop artists that I deeply respect and enjoy, and I hope you will give her a chance too…you might dig it! Listen to the song below and check out her Facebook page if you want to know more about her music. This review also serves the purpose of urging you to always keep an open ear and mind when it comes to music…simply because it’s a genre you generally don’t like, doesn’t mean you might not like some of it.

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uneToG4PYgg]

Cold Fur – Altamont Every Night

Post stoner core rock something everything. It has become a popular sport to categorise certain bands and their musical style. Let’s say Cold Fur just play rough and noisy rock’n’roll, with a front singer shouting along the whole album in like 11 different ways.

Melodic guitars and more classic riffs also aren’t missing at all, making Altamont Every Night a perfect coffee substitute right from the opener. The punky Cut Of My Jib doesn’t let room to breathe, which is in fact the case for the whole arrangement of this crowd funding financed album, recorded by Steve Albini himself. There is a certain preference for recording rock music in a very raw way these days, which again perfectly fits for this kind of music. You certainly don’t want to imagine hard or stoner rock bands that sound like clean and polished boy groups.

Songs like Just Like Brian Jones combine macabre themes with a huge portion of “what do I care?” and the crazy horse on the cover looks at you saying: “not a damn!” Here we are, dead in the water, and Pigs On Holiday makes sure that any kind of revival is useless. Songs like The Shittiest Story Ever Told and Fat Vampires From Planet Wolf masterfully finalise this half an hour outburst. Needless to say that also Black Sabbath found its place between core and madness, and you may also think to have found a pinch of Refused from time to time.

A record for those mornings you want to smash your alarm clock.

Recommendations: Altamont Every Night, The Shittiest Story Ever Told, Fat Vampires From Planet Wolf

No Through Road

Seeing as my last two reviews were unfavourable, to say the least, I figured I’d finally inject some positivity into my little corner of El Gore and prove that I don’t just hate everything on principle. So today I’d like to present No Through Road to you, an independent short film in the style of found footage that didn’t make me want to chug a bottle of bleach.

I would honour the makers with an in-depth, rave review of their creation, but it’s impossible to talk about a 9-minute flick without spoiling it in its entirety, so I’ll keep it brief and let you see for yourself. It’s not like there’s much to draw on anyway, thanks to these guys’ admirable dedication to passing the video off as actual found footage: after an extensive Google search, the El Gore team concluded that there’s no information about its production available on the Internet. We have no idea who made this film or who stars in it, which certainly adds to the subliminal creep factor.

No Through Road doesn’t bring anything new to the table in terms of plot line and structure. A group of lanky adolescents decide to go for a drive and film themselves horsing around; it’s all fun and games until they get lost. The acting is excellent, the conversation feels natural, the tension is palpable. It’s as good as it gets in the genre and medium.

I like the clips they added randomly throughout the film of the boys trying out Photo Booth effects, playing the guitar and just being regular teenagers at earlier points in time. At times the unrelated images appear so abruptly that it makes you jump a little, which I feel greatly enhances the eerie atmosphere. Same goes for the infinitely creepy record loop on the radio, which stems from the 2008 thriller The Strangers.

That’s all I’m willing to give away for now, as this spine-chilling short is definitely worth the 9 minutes of your day. It’s undoubtedly one of the best low-budget horror films I’ve seen. Check it out below.

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=08rj_ioKNSo]

Top 3 Movie Mashups

Sometimes when the power’s out and I’m bored I think about what interesting movie combinations there could be if people had a fucked-up mind like I do. Big thanks to Yannick and Laurent for helping me with this post. Enjoy!

1. Schindler’s List & Space Jam

Due to “unknown” circumstances a large community of people has to leave their homes. Schindler proposes a basketball match to Hitler. If the latter wins, he can use the people as slaves for his amusement park but if Schindler and his team win they are free to go back to their homes.
“It’s time to hit the showers” has never sounded so inappropriate.

2. Home Alone & Funny Games

Kevin is accidentally left behind while the family flies to Paris for Christmas. On Christmas Eve the 8 year old boy discovers two psychotic „burglars“ (Paul & Peter) who, for their own amusement, want to play sadistic games with him. Is Kevin fast enough to wire his house with home-made traps to stop the two and to bring them to justice?
A family “comedy” with Kevin, Peter & Paul.

3. Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs & Human Centipede

In order to seek confidence of the 7 Dwarfs, Snow White makes up the story that her stepmother wanted her to be killed in a forest. The hunter who’s charged with the murder isn’t able to kill her and lets her go. She gets lost and it’s the animals who show her the house of the Dwarfs. This seems all logical to the little men and they accept her as a guest not knowing that Snow White is a young nazi Fräulein with the perverse phantasy of reassembling them into a new pet, a human centipede.
Eat shit! – Fräulein Snow White

Bonus:

Ex Drummer & De Grønne slagtere (The Green Butchers)

Koen de Geyter, Jan Verbeek, Ivan Van Dorpe; three handicapped losers and their drummer, a famous writer called Dries decide to end their unsuccessful punk band. Ivan and Jan mysteriously disappear. The remaining ones decide to start a butcher’s and become famous for their excellent meat quality.
Find out what happened to Ivan and Jan and why the “chickie-wickies” are so special?

You got some weird ideas too? Post your suggestions in the comment section below. I also want to see some posters of the movies!!

Werewolves In Siberia – The Rising

As your blog manages to get bigger and more popular, it happens that people request you to review their masterworks or how they like to call it. Which is a good thing, actually. Thanks to social media we get in touch with new artists and never despair to write new reviews as new material drops by on an almost daily basis. But at what price?

Werewolves in Siberia play, what they call, 70’s and 80’s inspired synth rock. As I never heard of them before, I did my obligatory online researches, checked their bandcamp and twitter profiles but couldn’t get any further informations. Last.fm confirmed my fears, as this band / collective / project only has 2 listeners and 14 scrobbles. Oh boy, what was I getting myself into?

If The Rising is supposed to be a horror soundtrack, it does not fail its task completely. The soundpalette is cheesy and well chosen at least. But that’s it. The opener Introduction to a nightmare and the last track Return to the nightmare could give you the impression that The Rising actually is a concept album, but no it’s not. It’s not that I do not like sterile soundscapes and repetitivity; that’s what made Kraftwerk the most recognized electronic band ever, but one has to put a lot of effort into creating his own sound and identity instead of selecting the most annoying and cheesy instrument in Magix Music Maker and calling it your own creation. It’s all about compromising!

The Rising is not catastrophic, the production is clean; there are even some pleasant moments in it, like Return to the nightmarewhich could sound colossal if only the artist had put more time into his composition and tried to implement real instruments into the track instead of going full MIDI. This album is supposed to be a horror soundtrack but plashes into insignificance and boredom. The only thing my mental cinema could imagine was a group of Ewoks hunting mushrooms in planet Gutter on a real bad Meth trip. And that’s not even as funny as it sounds. But if you’re still into this kind of music (why not?), get it on bandcamp.

Golden Tanks – R.D.H.B.

Ever heard of the band Every Time I Die? Like them? Read on then, because Golden Tanks will be right up your alley! The four guys from Reading recently released their EP R.D.H.B., which demonstrates hardcore punk at its best!

The guitars relentlessly throw riff after riff at you and leave you almost no chance to breathe, while the drums batter down everything in their way. The symbiosis between the two instruments is at an excellent level and it never sounds off when the faster parts kick in during the five tracks.

The thing that strikes me the most during the fourteen minutes though is definitely the vocalist, who sounds very similar to Keith Buckly of ETID in certain passages with his pitch-changing screams, with his flawlessly executed performance.

In conclusion I’d say that Golden Tanks do not reinvent the wheel but they keep it spinning at an extremely fast pace. And I’m positive that they will not be forgotten very quickly, if they keep up the same level! You can find more info on their Facebook page and to make things even better: you can download the entire EP for free on their Bandcamp below! Enjoy!

Beneath the Valley of the Ultra-Vixens

Beneath the Valley of the Ultra-Vixens is an author’s film by Russ Meyer (R.I.P.) and was co-written by film critic Roger Ebert (R.I.P.). Furthermore, it was Meyer‘s last feature film and together with UP! probably the most sexually graphic one of his filmography. Ultra-Vixens, which can be labelled as a satirical sexploitation film, was released in 1979 and stars Meyers‘ big busted softcore porn sweethearts Uschi Digard and (ex-partner) Kitten Natividad.

Russ Meyer certainly wasn’t known for doing mainstream movies but Ultra-Vixens even goes beyond the typical campy, low-budget soft porn, exploitation stuff he was best known for. Summing up, Beneath the Valley of the Ultra-Vixens focusses on women’s struggle for sexual satisfaction and men’s inability to fulfil the distorted male sexual role which is imposed by society. In a more simplified or superficial version this means that it is all about big breasted, hairy nymphomaniacs and a man who only gets sexual satisfaction by anally raping women. This of course is not enough to baffle me but rather makes me want to see more but beware: Beneath the Valley of the Ultra-Vixens drifts off into a weird world of preposterous sex slapstick!

On a cinematic level I desperately sought for a logical narrative structure, a tension build-up, and character development/progression. Furthermore it seems that Meyer forgot that Ebert and he wrote a plot together and only remembers it until the middle of the film. However, before even risking to follow it he has already abandoned the plan, strips to the buff and strings together one sex scene after an other and this for the last 30 minutes of the film. Ultra Vixens certainly is one of Meyer‘s more experimental films, containing a lot of gamy, curious but also remarkable and innovative camera angles and perspectives, like filming through bedsprings.

In the end, I have the stong feeling that Meyer wasn’t able to finish his film as there are too many repetitive and confusing images/scenes. Even though the review doesn’t sound quite positive, I really liked the film but I can’t tell you exactly why. I am not even sure if I should recommend Beneath the Valley of the Ultra-Vixens but who am I to tell you, do whatever you want.